When Love Becomes Self-Abandonment: Healing the People-Pleasing Pattern
At Soulroots Therapy, we often talk about a term that may be unfamiliar to some: Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI). It’s the study of how the mind, nervous system, and immune system interact, how our thoughts and emotions can influence our physical health.
I love to bring this alive in our work, integrating emotional, spiritual, and physiological healing into a living, breathing process.
I can’t help but think of Psalm 32:3-4, where David speaks of silent suffering:
"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of the summer."
This passage reminds me that suppression takes a toll on body, mind, and spirit.
Recently, I attended a Heal the Healers Conference where Renee Bell spoke on the topic of people-pleasing came up. I immediately thought of my husband, who often forsakes his own needs for others. But it also struck me personally as a mother,
I frequently give of myself in ways that go beyond simply saying “yes” to my children. I put their needs above my own, prioritising their health, comfort, and wellbeing often at the expense of my own.
This pattern isn’t just about maternal instinct. It’s shaped by expectations we place on ourselves, the cultural messages that tell us we must always put others first, and the deep desire to protect and nurture.
When a child has experienced lack of nurture or childhood adversity, these tendencies intensify. We instinctively switch into overdrive doing, providing, and being everything for them, sometimes overcompensating for what we didn’t receive.
Many mothers carry a quiet belief:
"My needs don’t matter as long as my family is okay."
It sounds selfless, even noble, but over time it becomes chronic self-abandonment.
The body notices this. Each time we override exhaustion, silence emotions, or ignore our inner voice to maintain peace or care for others,
our nervous system shifts into survival mode
Cortisol and adrenaline rise.
The immune system weakens.
Inflammation quietly builds.
Fatigue, mood swings, and pain appear as messengers of imbalance.
Over time, the body begins to “turn on itself” mirroring the conflict between love for others and neglect of self as if saying,
“If I don’t matter, then nothing inside me does either.”
Scripture calls us to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31)
not instead of ourselves.
When mothers continually suppress their needs, they live out a distorted form of sacrifice one Christ already carried so we don’t have to.
Jesus gave His life once for all; mothers are not asked to live in ongoing crucifixion. True maternal love mirrors resurrection, nurturing life through wholeness, not depletion.
Healing begins when a mother learns to listen again: to the quiet messages of her body, the emotions she once silenced, and the Spirit whispering beneath the noise. At Soulroots Therapy, we help mothers and mothers-to-be:
Identify beliefs and patterns that once kept them safe but now keep them small — stories of unworthiness, over-responsibility, and self-sacrifice that were never theirs to carry.
Release these narratives safely from the body through Root Cause Therapy, Embodied Processing, and frequency-based emotional support.
Regulate the nervous system and build emotional capacity, experiencing what true inner safety feels like not through control or perfection, but through presence and grace.
This restoration ripples outward
A mother who feels safe within herself raises children who know safety too.
A woman who learns to listen to her body teaches her child to trust theirs.
This is generational healing, where mind, body, and spirit return to harmony, and love flows from wholeness instead of depletion.
Prov 31:25
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."
It isn’t just mothers. Children, men, women in the workforce, anyone in survival patterns feel the cost of self-neglect.
In the workforce, many women wear armour: suppressing emotion, staying composed, over-delivering, and proving their worth.
But the nervous system keeps score. What looks like strength often conceals exhaustion, anxiety, or emotional numbness. Over time, this disconnection creates fatigue, inflammation, or burnout.
PNI confirms what Scripture has long whispered:
the cost of self-forsaking is great.
The body, mind, and spirit were never meant to live divided.
How We Support Women at Soulroots
At Soulroots Therapy, we hold space for working women, mothers, mothers-to-be, and nurturers in every form, to return to themselves. Through Root Cause Therapy, Embodied Processing, and psych-nutrition, we help women:
Identify and release unconscious beliefs driving over-giving or self-neglect.
Reconnect to the wisdom of their body and nervous system.
Build the capacity to feel safe within themselves even amidst responsibility.
Learn to nurture from overflow, not depletion.
This isn’t about stepping away from ambition. It’s about stepping into alignment where inner peace becomes the new productivity, and rest is no longer weakness, but worship.
Isaiah 30:15
"In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength."
The cost of people-pleasing and self-abandonment isn’t just emotional, it shows up in our bodies, our relationships, and even in the next generation. Healing begins when we pause, listen to our bodies, and release the beliefs that keep us small.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to explore our blog “What Lies Beneath” to uncover the hidden patterns shaping your wellbeing and book a discovery call to see how our “Discover What Your Body is Holding” sessions can help you release what no longer serves you and step into true wholeness.
