“Do You Really Want to Be Healed? The Hidden Patterns That Keep Us Stuck”
What Does Mental Health, Chronic Illness, and Addiction Have in Common?
Self-Sabotage
Too often, we get hyper-focused on the mind, the diagnosis, or the drug.
But for all three mental health challenges, chronic illness, and addiction, the problem isn’t always the condition itself.It’s the pattern that stays long after the symptoms fade.
Even when the person with mental illness starts to feel improvement, when lifestyle or relationships begin to heal, or when the addict has gone through rehab and the drug is out of their system,
the real struggle often begins afterwards.
It’s the not letting go of the behaviour, the gains they once had in that state, the familiarity of the suffering, and the fear of who they might be without it.
They may become co-dependent on the pain itself hiding behind the secondary gain.
This is what we see so often in self-sabotaging patterns or trauma-based survival behaviours. When someone has lived with pain, limitation, or suffering for a long time, it becomes familiar.
The mind and body adapt to that state and being made well can actually feel unsafe or unknown.
A Lesson from the Pool of Bethesda
Yesterday, my daughter Tuscany highlighted this passage to me.
What struck me wasn’t just her insight but her ability, at sixteen, to see her own self-sabotaging patterns through this story in the Gospel of John.
And honestly, that’s what this work is all about for me:
breaking cycles, letting go of inherited patterns, and helping women heal and transform so the generations that follow can live with greater awareness and freedom.
In John 5:1–9, Jesus meets a man who had been ill for 38 years at the Pool of Bethesda.
When Jesus asks him, “Do you want to be made well?”, the man doesn’t simply say yes.
Instead, he explains why he can’t
“I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred…”
It wasn’t a straightforward yes. There was hesitation, excuse, and redirection.
This moment is powerful because Jesus wasn’t asking for information, He was offering invitation.
He wanted the man to own his desire and face the part of himself that had become identified with his condition.
Just like today, many of us say we want to change,but subconsciously hold onto what we know, because the unknown feels unsafe.
In healing work, this looks like:
Saying we want to change but finding reasons why we can’t (“I don’t have time,” “It never works,” “I’ve tried everything”).
Returning to old coping patterns after progress because the new way feels foreign.
Subconsciously sabotaging opportunities for growth because wellness challenges our identity or perceived safety.
Healing Brings Responsibility
Later in the passage, “Jesus found him at the temple and said, (John 5:14)
‘See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.’”
At first, this can sound harsh, but it’s incredibly insightful.
This second encounter isn’t about physical healing anymore.
It’s about the heart, the patterns behind the condition.
When Jesus says, “See, you are well again,” He’s affirming the miracle, but also reminding the man that healing carries responsibility.
It’s one thing to be healed,it’s another to walk in that healing.
In somatic or trauma work, this is known as integration, learning to live from the new sense of safety and freedom, rather than slipping back into old ways.
“Sin,” in this context, can also mean missing the mark, continuing to live disconnected from wholeness, truth, or alignment with God.
Jesus wasn’t condemning the man; He was inviting him to become aware of what might pull him back into suffering.
For many of us, that “sin” looks like:
Returning to self-sabotaging behaviours
Living from fear or unworthiness
Denying what we truly feel or need
Abandoning ourselves to please others
Healing Must Reach the Roots
If the man’s outer healing wasn’t matched by an inner transformation, the same energy or pattern that once made him sick could manifest again.
This mirrors how trauma and emotional pain operate,until we meet the root cause, symptoms can reappear in new forms.
That’s why Jesus’ question, “Do you want to be made well?” and His later instruction, “See, you are well, go and live differently,” are two parts of the same process.
One invites honesty.
The other calls for embodiment.
The same applies to us:
healing may start in a moment, but it’s sustained through how we live afterwards, by expanding our capacity to feel safe, connected, and whole.
Why We Return to the Familiar
This is why so many people in mental health, chronic illness, or addiction cycles find themselves returning to what they know.
Not because they don’t want freedom, but because the nervous system hasn’t yet learned safety in the new way of being.
Healing isn’t just about physical or emotional change,
it’s about expanding our capacity to live differently.
No amount of rituals, routines, supplements, or habits can create lasting transformation if we haven’t gone to the roots.
Because healing isn’t something we do, it’s something we allow.
We must be willing to see where we may not actually want to heal, where staying the same has offered us safety, control, familiarity, or even identity.
These are the subtle layers of what’s known as secondary gain, the unconscious benefits we receive from our pain or patterns.
Sometimes, the fear of what life might look like without our symptoms, coping strategies, or identities can feel more threatening than the suffering itself.
So deep healing begins not with striving, but with honesty, an honest look at our resistance, and compassion for the part of us that’s simply trying to stay safe.
When we can admit this without judgment, we stop fighting ourselves.
We begin to meet the fear underneath the behaviour.
And it’s there in that meeting place that true transformation begins.
If this story stirs something within you, if you recognise the patterns of holding on, the fear of change, or the longing to feel safe in something new, know that you are not alone.
Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to be different. It’s about creating safety within so that change can unfold naturally.
At Soulroots Therapy, I help women gently uncover the roots behind their patterns — the beliefs, emotions, and stored memories that shape how they feel and respond today. Together, we explore not just the story of what happened, but how it lives within the body and how to safely release it.
Whether you’re navigating trauma, emotional overwhelm, or simply feel stuck in cycles you can’t explain, my work is about finding the freedom to live differently, to expand your capacity to love, to feel, and to be at peace in your own body.
If you’re ready to begin your own journey of healing and self-discovery, I invite you to book a Discovery Call.
It’s a gentle space to explore where you are, what’s holding you back, and how we can work together to support your healing from the roots up.
