Anger: The Bodyguard of Sadness, Hurt & Grief
Anger has been a thread woven through my story for as long as I can remember. For many, anger is seen as a problem to fix, something ugly, sinful, or shameful. Yet when I began trauma-informed work and embodied processing, I discovered that anger isn’t the enemy.
It’s often the bodyguard, the emotion that rises up to protect the most tender parts of us, our sadness, grief, and hurt.
My Story with Anger
From my teenage years, I remember anger being a driving force in my life. But not the quiet, suppressed kind, mine was reactive. I was ready to fight, not just for myself but for anyone who didn’t have a voice.
I used to say, “Oh, I got it from my dad, he had anger issues.” I carried that belief as part of my identity.
I thought anger was me. It became my armour, a shield against shame, guilt, and the fear of being hurt again.
Looking back, I’m grateful that even when my reactions were loud or uncomfortable, some people could still see the person beneath the surface, someone who was really longing to be seen, safe, and understood.
After my third child, everything I’d held together started to unravel. Parenting the eldest child with new diagnoses and sensory challenges triggered unresolved pain. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and easily set off. Around that time, a friend from church was asked to attend an anger management course, and I volunteered to go with her.
In hindsight, we both carried unprocessed trauma, PTSD and no amount of “talking it through” could reach the parts of us that were frozen in survival.
When your life has been a series of battles, anger can become your way of staying alive.
It’s not about rage for the sake of rage, it’s the part of you saying, I want to live. I want to make it through.
Through my studies in embodied processing, I began to find safety within my body and started to see anger differently. I saw how my reactive patterns weren’t my true self, they were protective responses.
Beneath them lived sadness, grief, and fear I hadn’t been able to face.
For the first time, I could sit with my brokenness and my behaviours without judgment. I saw how my parenting often mirrored my own childhood wounds. I forgave myself. I started to separate my identity from my emotions.
Anger was never who I was, it was a signal, a story my nervous system was telling.
Understanding the Somatics of Anger
Anger is a secondary emotion, the visible flame that often hides what’s really burning beneath: sorrow, helplessness, or grief.
It’s not “bad.” It’s a survival strategy a way our body tries to protect us when we feel unsafe or unseen.
Beneath Anger Lies:
Hurt — Feeling unseen, unheard, or betrayed.
Sadness — Mourning unmet needs or losses.
Grief — Carrying the weight of what was or what should have been.
Anger is the nervous system’s fire alarm.
“I can’t bear this pain, so I’ll turn it into power.”
The Fight Response — Reactive Anger
Regain control, protect from helplessness, defend worth.
How it shows up:
Snapping, shouting, or defensiveness.
Blaming others or needing to “win.”
Physical tension in the jaw, fists, or shoulders.
Beneath the surface: Fear of being powerless, unseen, or unloved.
What it protects: Deep sadness or shame around rejection or betrayal.
In scripture we see this with Peter in the Garden John 18:10-11
“Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”
Peter draws his sword and cuts off the servant’s ear when Jesus is arrested. His anger masked his fear of losing Jesus, the grief of impending separation.
Peter’s fight response came from love mixed with fear, anger as his bodyguard for grief.
The Control/Fear-Based Anger — Power Anger
Avoid vulnerability by staying in control.
How it shows up:
Perfectionism, irritability, or micromanaging.
Criticism or passive-aggressive reactions.
Needing to “keep it together” externally while boiling inside.
Beneath the surface: Fear of chaos, rejection, or inadequacy.
What it protects: Grief from instability or shame of not being enough.
“Saul was very angry... ‘They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me but thousands.’”
Saul’s jealousy of David came from fear of losing approval and identity. His anger was rooted in grief over no longer being chosen.
Saul’s control-based anger masked deep insecurity and sorrow.
The Shutdown / Suppressed Anger — Freeze Response
Find safety through silence, protect by disappearing.
How it shows up:
Numbness, withdrawal, or depression.
Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations.
People-pleasing or feeling emotionally flat.
Beneath the surface: Helplessness, “what’s the point?”
What it protects: Overwhelming grief or exhaustion.
Elijah after Mount Carmel in 1 kings 19:3-4
“Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree…”
After his victory, Elijah flees into the wilderness and says, “It is enough; take my life.” His anger turns inward, suppressed and despairing.
Elijah’s inward anger was grief and burnout unprocessed, God restored him through rest, nourishment, and a gentle whisper.
Anger in Relationships, Coupling Dynamics - how it shows up
visual representation of states, expressions, underlying with scriptural examples
Anger rarely exists in isolation, it dances with another’s wounds.
Here’s how it may play out between partners, family, or friends:
A Healing Reflection
When anger shows up, instead of pushing it away or condemning it, pause and ask:
“What is this anger protecting?”
“What feels unsafe or unseen right now?”
“Where might sadness or grief be asking for compassion?”
“Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.” Psalm 4:4
God doesn’t shame anger.
He invites us to bring it into the light to reflect, to feel, and to return to love.
Through healing and embodiment, I’ve learned that anger isn’t something to eliminate, it’s something to understand.
When we listen to what it’s guarding, we uncover the deeper layers of ourselves, the places God longs to touch with His grace, compassion, and truth.
If you’re ready to explore what’s beneath your anger and find peace within your body and story, book a discovery call today. We’ll help you identify the beliefs rooted in survival and guide you toward healing through understanding and grace.
