When Faith Feels Authoritarian: Finding Jesus’ Way in Parenting
A personal reflection for parents who are healing, learning, and choosing to do differently
If you’ve read one of my recent posts about reflecting on my upbringing, the words spoken over me, the expectations, the shame I carried, you’ll know I’ve been sharing more personally than I ever have before.
Not to expose.
Not to blame.
But to show what happens when we finally stop running from ourselves and begin to look within… to sit with the parts of us we were taught to hide, fear, or deny.
Because when we learn to see ourselves with compassion and grace, not judgment, those parts don’t stay wounded.
They transform. They heal. And they stop being inherited.
This is why I do the work I do.
This is why I share what I share.
And this is why today I need to write about something that I know will hit home for many of us.
Authoritarian parenting disguised as faith.
Somatic Healing Is Not Enough , We Need New Skills Too
Somatic therapy and trauma processing changed me.
It expanded my capacity.
It helped me build emotional resilience.
It helped me create a pause — that sacred space between trigger and choice.
But here’s the truth I had to face:
Even after healing much of what lived inside me… I still didn’t know how to parent differently.
Because when you’ve spent years or a lifetime parenting from a reactive trauma state…
When fear, judgment, religious pressure, or performance was the model you were shown… You don’t automatically know how to do gentleness, or connection.compassion-led discipline.
Healing gives you capacity. But we still need the skills we were never shown.
It wasn’t enough for me to simply “sin no more,” as many of us were told.
I had to learn a whole new way of relating, the way I was never taught.
So I feel deeply for any parent who is stuck parenting on autopilot…
Doing what they were taught…
Doing what their body defaults to…
Doing what their trauma tells them is “safety”…
Even when it’s the opposite of how they long to parent.
I know that place. I lived there. I was surviving, not parenting.
And the limiting beliefs I carried, about myself, about God, about my worth, kept me from reaching for help.
Because in Christian circles, we’re often told
“I have God.”
“I have the Bible.”
“I shouldn’t be like this.”
“I just need more faith.”
But sometimes the very thing we need is skills, tools, support, therapy, the things God often uses to bring healing.
And when we don’t seek help, the consequences don’t just land on us, they echo into the hearts of our children, too.
How Authoritarian Parenting Took Root in Christian Culture
This was the lesson that hit me the hardest in the trauma-informed parenting course:
Not because I wanted to be one, but because I never realised how deeply it had been modelled to me and how easily it can masquerade as “faithfulness.”
Somewhere along the way, fear, judgment, performance, and control were confused with righteousness.
And the Father-heart of God became distorted.
Many of us were taught a version of parenting that:
Promoted fear instead of safety
Used punishment instead of connection
Expected perfection instead of growth
Confused obedience with emotional suppression
Preached about grace but practiced shame
And children raised under that often learned to pull away, not just from their parents, but from the Father Himself.
Because when you are taught that God is watching you in fear and judgement… You struggle to believe in a Father who is patient, tender, compassionate, and kind.
To Know the Father , look at the Son
If we want to understand the heart of our Heavenly Father, we don’t look at people.
We don’t look at culture, we look at Jesus. As in John 14:9
“Anyone who has seen Me has seen the Father.”
So how did Jesus love?
Gentle With the Weary
He never crushed the bruised, exhausted, shamed, or overwhelmed.
His gentleness is the Father’s gentleness. Matt 11:28-30
“Come to Me all who are weary…”
Slow to Anger
Never reactive. Never impulsive. Never punishing.
He didn’t shame Peter after denial, He restored him.
Compassionate Toward Weakness
He was moved by suffering, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
His compassion was the Father’s compassion.
Patient With Immaturity
Jesus grew His disciples slowly.
Layer by layer. like a patient parent meeting a child exactly where they are.
“O you of little faith” wasn’t shaming, it was invitation.
When we look at Jesus:
His tone
His posture
His compassion
His corrections
His attentiveness
His mercy
His protection
…we are looking right into the Father’s heart.
Not a harsh disciplinarian.
Not a distant master.
Not a God of performance-based love.
But a Father who is safe, steady, attuned, merciful, patient, strong, and near.
This is the image our children were meant to see, and this is the image many of us never grew up with.
How I’m Choosing to Do Differently
So for myself, I’ve created intentions, scripture-aligned affirmations, to help me pause, reorient, and parent not from fear… but from Him.
“I lead with gentleness, because Jesus is gentle with me.”
(Matthew 11:29)
“I do not have to parent from fear — perfect love drives out fear.”
(1 John 4:18)
“I slow down, because Jesus is slow to anger with me.”
(Psalm 103:8 fulfilled in Jesus)
“I choose compassion because Jesus meets my weakness with compassion.”
(Hebrews 4:15)
“I do not shame my children, because Jesus never shames me.”
(John 8:11)
“When I’m overwhelmed, I return to His peace, not my frustration.”
(John 14:27)
And when I am triggered:
“I pause — my child’s heart matters more than the moment.”
“I lead with curiosity, like Jesus did with those who misunderstood.”
“I treat my child the way Jesus treats me seen, known, safe.”
“I am forming connection, not control.”
“Jesus is my model, not my past, not my upbringing.”
Because in every moment, He shows me a better way.
If You’re Reading This and You Feel Seen…
You are not alone. You are not failing. You are awakening.
You are breaking generational patterns simply by becoming aware of them.
You are choosing connection instead of control.
Safety instead of fear.
Grace instead of shame.
Healing instead of repeating.
This is the work, this is the transformation and what the Father is doing within us.
And I pray my own learning and unlearning becomes a gentle invitation for you too.
A reminder that with Him we can always do differently.
We can always begin again.
We can always grow into the parents we longed for…
And the parents our children deserve.
If this resonated and you feel ready to learn a new way, you’re not alone. Whether it’s through the trauma-informed parenting course, our Embody His Love somatic work, or simply gathering in community, there is space for you to grow, heal, and begin again.
