When Identity Becomes the Diagnosis
This morning my daughter shared something she had written about herself.
It was beautiful.
Raw.
Honest.
Insightful.
Her reflection as an autistic girl.
And as I read it, I felt both tenderness and tension.
Because I have written many blogs about labels when it comes to neurodiversity. The very reason I was drawn into this work was our own journey, walking alongside children diagnosed on the spectrum. It was never just about behaviour. It was never just about cognition. Understanding the body as a whole was key. The nervous system. The environment. Trauma. Nutrition. Culture. Generational patterns. The unseen layers beneath what gets named.
In my recent studies we’ve been exploring archetypes traits, patterns, protective strategies. These patterns are many. We all have the capacity to exhibit them. But how they manifest in each of us is deeply subjective shaped by lifestyle, culture, trauma, family systems.
In my last blog on labels, I spoke about the double-edged sword they carry.
For some, especially those not neurodiverse, labels can feel like stigma.
For others, particularly those diagnosed, labels can feel like relief. Language. A doorway to understanding. A way to find their tribe.
There is research around ASD diagnosis being experienced as positive identity formation. Social Identity Theory (Henri Tajfel & John Turner, 1979) explains how we categorise ourselves into groups seeking belonging, purpose, self-worth, identity.
Belonging. Purpose Self-worth. Identity.
All deeply human needs.
But here is where I gently question.
The very act designed to create safety can sometimes create fragility.
If belonging becomes central what happens when we don’t feel we fit?
If purpose is externally defined what happens when it shifts?
If self-worth is boosted through affiliation what happens when we struggle to find “our” group?
If identity becomes fused with traits do we forget we are more than the traits?
Then there is Narrative Identity theory Dan McAdams speaks of how we construct an internalised life story, integrating a reconstructed past into who we believe we are.
But our conscious narrative is not always truth. It is interpretation. And interpretation is shaped by memory, bias, pain, protection.
This is not a dismissal of diagnosis.
We still need formal diagnosis for funding, support, access to services. Systems require language. Structures require categories.
But perhaps we need to do this differently.
Perhaps we begin with our terminology.
Instead of diagnosis → system → treatment
What if we explored:
Patterns of protection
States of the nervous system
Adaptations
Capacity
Integration
What if we taught our children:
Notice the state, not the story.
Name the pattern.
Differentiate — this part is not all of me.
Experiment with flexibility.
Reframe.
There is now such a strong emphasis on “being autistic” as identity that sometimes we forget something foundational.
We are first and foremost human.
Intricate. Complex. Layered.
All humans act and behave in certain ways depending on trauma, culture, lifestyle, sickness, stress, environment. The difference may be degree, presentation, neurology but none of it is the sum total of a person.
Traits are expressions.
Patterns are adaptations.
Diagnoses are frameworks.
But they are not the entirety.
Reading my daughter’s words reminded me she is insightful not because she is autistic. She is insightful because she is her. Because she observes. Because she reflects. Because she feels deeply.
And that is far bigger than any label.
Maybe the shift is not removing language.
But softening our attachment to it.
Holding identity lightly.
Holding humanity firmly.
Because no single part, however significant defines the whole.
If this resonated with you, take a moment to reflect on your own patterns of protection and the stories you tell yourself. You can read more in my previous blog Beyond the Label: Why Not Every Human Experience Is a Disorder, or if you want to explore this on a deeper, personalised level, book an initial session with me. Together, we can notice the state, name the pattern, and begin to integrate all the parts of who you truly are.
